Calluna V. (callunav) wrote in healingpartners,
Calluna V.
callunav
healingpartners

After long silence

This community has been really inactive for a long time, now.

I guess I've felt like, if people wanted it, they'd post to it. But I think it's not really that simple. Communities have momentum. When they lose it, it's harder to join in.

I love this community, because I have gotten the kind of support I could really use from the members, and I've felt like the kind of support I could offer was what other people could use, quite a lot of the time.

I haven't been posting here because I use my own journal for the same kinds of things I would post here, 99% of the time - and of the remaining 1%, sometimes I don't manage to write at all. I use my journal that way for two reasons: the lesser reason (because I don't want to presume) is that sometimes people find it, and read it, and it seems to be useful for them in some way because they stick around, at least for a while; it makes me feel like I can transmute my struggles into something valuable for more than just myself. That seems like hubris, but if it's true, then I'm grateful and glad. The other reason - the reason why I would do it anyhow - is because I need to prove to myself over and over again that I can say these things in public, and the world doesn't end. I've just written a post in my own journal about how toxic secrecy can feel to me. I'm still very confused and very much in the middle of my recovery process, and everything about it feels like something I'm going to get taken down for: the ugly things I sometimes am pretty sure are true, and also the fact that I'm never 100% certain.

So I haven't been posting here, because I've been posting there - and there's a not-insignificant overlap in readership.

But I'm thinking about two things. The first is, maybe posting here, as well as there, will help create the openness and the momentum so that other people who might not share my drive to post in their own journals will feel like this space is more real, more accessible. I know people are still reading.

And again, that feels a little like hubris, but I think I probably shouldn't let that self-consciousness stop me.

The other thing is, maybe, if I start out just by posting here about the same things I'm posting there, I may end up finding out that there are things I want to say here and not there: I may help revitalize this space for myself, let alone for anyone else.

So unless anyone would like to object, I'm going to begin posting to this community, starting out by just by putting in some of the same things - the more recovery/survivor-related things - that I post in my own journal. I'll put them behind cuts so that anyone who's already read them in my journal doesn't have to have them twice on the page. And if you think this isn't a good idea, please say so.

I'm going to make a second post that's a little background on me, almost like an intro post all over again, because maybe not everyone reading this remembers when I was posting more, several years ago, and I'm pretty sure some of the things I write are hard to follow even when you've got some background, let alone without. And then I'm going to make a third post that's a re-post of what I just put in my journal earlier today.

And I guess I feel like - if anyone else who hasn't been posting lately but still has this stuff going on and feels like posting about it might be good sees things the same way, maybe you could do something similar. Because I think we're a pretty good group, and I like what we have to offer, so I think it would be kind of cool if someone on LJ who does a search for survivor communities and took a look at this one, saw some activity. That's only meaningful if it's not forced, so for goodness sake, don't force it. But if it seems like it could be a good idea...well, I can see a lot of possible positive outcomes, even though none of them are guaranteed.
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